Not enough where it consumes me, but where I would lay awake at night worrying about an assignment due when I was in high school. Or juggling work and school while I was in college. Or if that was a regular cough, a whopping cough, or a croupy cough now that I have kids.
Several years ago, I decided to trust God with my worries. And trust that what happens is His plan. And I've done that...mostly.
Grayson and I both had surgery last year and Layne has to have surgery next month. And I'm not anxious about it at all.
Money gets tight. But I know God will provide for us.
There's just one things that I can't let go of. And sometimes the fear just consumes me to the point of panic. I KNOW that I should trust that God will take care of this, but it's so hard to let go and trust.
You see, Layne has a peanut allergy. One that we've found is what I would consider moderately severe.
Up to this point, she has only been cared for by close friends and family. When she's not with us, she's with one of her grandparents or aunts or uncles. She's taken dance classes and soccer classes, but one of us has been there with her. I check the church snacks every single week when she goes to class. And we monitor every things she puts in her mouth. We don't even have peanuts or peanut butter in our home. Occasionally we'll buy something that was made around peanuts, but its stored in a high cabinet that she can't reach. And Matt or I will eat it when we're at work. Away from her.
And if when we do eat something containing peanuts, we do the whole "scrub down" procedure. Where we brush our teeth and thoroughly rinse our toothbrushes, wash our mouth and face, scrub our hands. And even then, I won't kiss her.
But in August, she'll be starting Kindergarden. Where I'll have to go and drop her off. Trusting her in the care of a stranger for 7 or 8 hours every day. A stranger who may or may not take her condition as seriously as we do. Who may think, "This birthday cupcake from her friend doesn't have peanuts in it." and lets her eat something she shouldn't. Or where her friend on the playground may share a gummy bear with her that this one kind was made around peanuts.
I'm not exaggerating. My heart beats faster thinking about it. I have to concentrate to breathe. These thoughts send me into a full blown panic attack. Enough where I really. really. really. want to homeschool her. But is that fair to Layne? Not to mention that I work 4 days a week right now.
I used to think how unfair it was to her not to be able to eat that cookie or that birthday cake, but she's great about her allergy. I've learned to check ahead of time what kind of cake, etc. will be at a party and bring our own cupcake if it won't be okay for her. She's stopped getting dissappointed and upset when I tell her she can't have something because it has peanuts.
And Layne is awesome about asking before she eats anything. The scary part is, the person she asks may or may not be educated on peanut allergies. "No, that pretzel doesn't have any peanuts in it." When that pretzel was made in a factory that also processes peanuts. They are everywhere. So next week, I'm going to talk about peanut allergies. And if you have any children, regardless of if they have allergies or not, I ask you to read please. Because if nothing else, you may save one child from a severe reaction or death. Just by being educated.